Scare Me! Collective fiction from the members of Blog Catalog

I frequently participate in lively political discussions over at Blog Catalog. But sometimes on BC we have other focuses. Recently Vienne, the gracious and charming author of The Eavesdrop Writer started a thread that became a collectively written short story. I have edited out all of the markers indicating the post number, date, author etc, made a few tweaks to improve grammar or make sentences scan and deleted several posts that clearly did not move the story forward and were not in the spirit of the thread. And so, without further ado I present "Scare Me" collective fiction by the members of Blog Catalog.


Chalking her paranoia up to Halloween spooks, Shelby checked the door lock twice, kissed Bear on the head and jumped into her warm bed. Suddenly, she had a feeling like someone was under the bed.

Grunting and rustling sounds were drifting up to her ears. A sub-zero chill flooded her body, wrapping the blankets tighter and tried to remain calm; she heard someone whisper her name.

Bear flicked his bushy tail and perked his ears as he looked toward the window.

"Boo," came the voice from the other side. The figure of a shadow seemed to blend to the windowpane. Bit by bit, it morphed through the glass, and after a few seconds of stillnes, it re-formed into Shelby's calling card; the grim reaper.

"I want it back!" "Give it back to me!" he cried.

Shelby pulled the little toy bear closer, and managed to hide him under the blaket at the same time the room was light up by flashing blue lights that blinked outside the window. Shelby, now desperate, rolled out of his bed and ran towards the doorway, but in his haste he left poor teddy behind. Shelby looked out the peephole as the police officer came up the walk. He recognized the him as Officer Byron, but there was something strange about his face

As he neared the door, Shelby realized Officer Byron wore a clown's nose and vampire fangs. He eminated a very strange smell, like something ages old, rotten to something you wouldnt believe, if you could see it. And then it dawned on Shelby; he's dead and he's "walking" toward my door!

A deep feeling of distrust and disgust wiped away the timid approach of upcoming fear, he/she slowly turned around, hasted to the kitchen and got the big knife which had ended quite some turkeys life. A dark shadow loomed in the door way, drawing closer with every breath she took.

"Special Agent, Connor, Internal Revenue Service. Open the door or we'll knock it down!"

Shelby knew the only chance she had of escaping was with the assistance of her sawed-off double-barrel 12 gage. Luckily for her, Old Granpa taught her when she was still in dipers to always keep the gun loaded; you never know who's gonna come calling girl, he said, just before he shot the repo man who came to repossess the TV back down the path. .The IRS, her worst nightmare; she kicked herself for not reporting all that eBay income.

"OPEN THE DOOR, NOW!", shouted Agent Connor. I know about the J.K.Rowling pen you sold on e-bay."


Shivering, Shelby slowly looked through the peephole once more and saw Voldemort's pale face inches away from hers, glistening in the moonlight. The Grim Reaper appeared in the hall behind her; Shelby had to make a decision, and she was caught between a rock and a hard place. The choice between death or jail gave Shelby a moment of pause and just before she was about to choose jail, she remembered what had happened to Martha Stewart. (Shelby and Martha had met some years ago at a birthday party for Marthas dog and they had become friends...that is until Ms Stewart was hauled off to the brig.)

"Can I bribe you with a perfect chocolate souffle?" Shelby yelled through the door, knowing the way to any man's heart, even a demented Officer Byron, the grim reaper, IRS Agent Connor and Voldemort, was through his stomach.

Stress started to take its toll on Shelby, causing her to fracture, revealing her long repressed split personality - a woman named Wendy who had once swam with a dead person. Shendy, as she was known in her fractured state, couldn't decide if she should serve the souffle or hold her breath.
Instead, she gently, lifted the corner of her ripped patch-work gown, with matching gown-n-slipper combo, passes gas, then looks for a disembodied writer, "Careysaysums," and asks, "WHAT?!? Seriously?"

With a gasp Shelby sat straight up in bed, disoriented; blinking herself awake she snatched the medication bottle off the nightstand and read: "Common side effect: unusual dreams, eBay anxiety and trouble concentrating". Shelby wiped her eyes, realised that her forehead was covered with sweat, took a quick look at bear who had his eyes closed, which actually wasnt possible for a toy bear and then ... something had changed in her room ...And still Agent Connor pounded on the door.

Shelby wondered how she had got into her bed, when she heard the bear whispering: Gooooh noooow! They are coming to take you away . Shelby glanced to the window, startled to see a woman on a broom fly by, however this was kind of usual in this time of the season. Surely she was hallucinating; had someone spiked her; a panic attack loomed.


Somewhere in the clouds of Shelbys universe, in the blogcatalog heavens maybe, one of the gods named wilbau shouted: "I WILL CHANGE THE RULES."

"Henceforth, thou shalt not determine Shelbys life with just one sentence, but thou arest now allowed, to write at least 3 (three) sentences or a short paragraph to take influence on Shelbys life, on her scaring paranoias and adventures at Haloween time, because Shelbys life is just not 'this or that' neither 'that or this', but has a bright, ehem, very dark future in the blogcatalog heavens."

Shelby decided not to yield to this panic attack and found to do something practical about her situation.

She went to the kitchen cupboard and pulled out a twiggy, tatty old broom. As Agent Connor continued to pound on the door, Shelby took the broom over to the window and gazed out at the night sky. Suddenly sure of what she had seen, Shelby lifted the window and threw her right leg over the broom. Agent Connor knocked down the door and burst into the room and was startled to see Shelby taking off through the window with her broom and flying narrow circles around her house. She was wondering about herself, everything was so normal, nothing scarry about it, so she decided to take her fate upon herself and to become herself a plague, a scaring element for this Sheriff thing named Agent Connor.

As Shelby began to fade and become gray and translucent a cell phone rang un-noticed on Agent Connor's belt. The Hogwarts ring tone bleated faintly in the rapidly chilling room as a fierce wind blew in, apparently coming from Shelby, now visible only as a silver mist above the trees across the street. Agent Connor remained frozen in place at the window, feeling as though he would never be cheerful again.

Meanwhile a Cessna, piloted by Mr. Ph.D. Hamlet, President of Shakesbeer NYC. Inc. (his highschool name had been Hanky Spanky cause he'd always get busted)and his dear female secretary Susan Thoughtful, headed towards this silver mist over Shelbys house in order to find what this game of nature was about. "Its just a witch", Susan remarked despitefully, "let us throw some beer at her." She threw some bottles of Shakesbeer at Shelby, missed her, and the bottles flew in the window of Shelbys house and smashed right in front of Agent Connor who had finally managed to pull out his cell phone.

The word 'ridiculous' echoed faintly in the air as the Cessna abruptly morphed into a whale, improbably and impossibly balanced for an instant hundreds of feet into the air. With sickening rapidity the air borne whale crashed to the earth, crushing and drowning Agent Cooper in a thick viscous field of blubber, blood and bones. The Hogwarts ring tone ceased to echo as Hamlet and Thoughtful apparated directly beneath the silver mist that was Shelby. Both Shakesbeerians wielded wands without warning, pointed them at the mist and in unison chanted the incantation

This was THE minute for Bear who had hid unnotized in Shelbys blouse. In a pulse of purple light he sent forth a shrill glass breaking sound which made the wands to vanish into something like age old cigarillos that got chewed upon by a certain elefant (famous for eggdancing) which had been painted by a certain Salvadore Bali to save this elegance for eternity. Shelby felt just like playing a role and wondered where her soul had gone.

Thoughtful, much the quicker and brighter of the Shakesbeerians reached into her voluminous hand bag and retrieved a pencil. Pointing the eraser end at the bear in the mist, she intoned "Accio horcrux" and the bear flew into her hands. She passed the bear along to the indecisive Hamlet, then turned to face again the silver mist that was Shelby only to find that the mist had vanished. Still holding the pencil and staring intently at the mist's previous location, Thoughtful said :

"So, this will teach the b*%&§ to stay in her house. Haloween is our time, isnt that right Honey darling?" Hamlet inserted a cute littel burp when he answered: "Yeah,.. that will show her ..." PENG! The Cessna imploded in ball of blue light cause Shelby had pushed a little button on HER belt. "YOU wont make fun of me, you beerish beings, go, go to big blue, and stay blue".
Meanwhile Agent Cooper had managed to crawl out the viscous field of blubber and headed for the door of Shelbys house. Shelby should now learn a very special lesson.

A giant shadow fell over the street, casting the remains of whale, plane and house into inky darkness. Agent Cooper struggled to remove the traces of blubber and blood from his cell phone, but without success since his hands and clothes were completely imbued with whale remains. He attempted to shine the phone's screen at the shadow to see what was casting it, but this was not successful since no light penetrated the coating of whale blood on the tiny cell phone display. Shelby and the Shakesbeerians trembled with terror in the darkness. And then the tiny toy bear spoke in Shelby's voice "Agggarid the Giant is here!"

Way up in the blogcatalog heavens some gods raised their eyebrows and murmured: "Oh, my gooood! This Shelby, is it that what we created our universe for?" But Shelby couldnt hear that. She got other things to do than going on her knees and praying to some far away never seen strange gods that she might not even know existed.

"Agggarid!" This name struck her and she got an impulse for sudden action. However there was a distraction. A distraction in form of a procession of just simple ordinary people, maybe fifty of them, (organised to a charity group called the BBVGS - the BumbleBee Village Green Society) who were now showing up because of all the noise and mostly because it was Halloween and their favourite time to go around in the city and collect donations while singing their hymn: "We are the Bumblebee Village Green Society, striving for a better life without envy or strife." Shelby hesitated for a moment.

Then an anger grew inside she had never known. Such terrible verse could not be allowed to flourish; she thought as the society came closer. Something deep in the recess of her mind dragged her to the cupbourd bellow the stairs, where, under a lose floorboard she instinctivly delved her hand into the darkness, and drew out a very sharp sword with serated edges. Instantly it felt right, the weight, the ballance, were just perfect and she knew it was made for this very day, for her, by a master swordsmith.

Shelby and the anger within, gasped in awe at the beauty she held, and at that moment Shelby rose to her feet; she knew what had to be done. Reaching into her pocket Shelby grasped once again the yellow #2 pencil and waved it towards the tiny toy bear, encanting "Accio Horcrux". The toy bear flew through the air and impaled itself on Shelby's mighty sword. A bluish electric charge could be seen running up the length of the steel shaft and onto her hands, arms and body, enfusing her with a golden glow. Shelby quickly grew furry and nearly as large as Aggarid, intoning in a deep melodic voice "I am the spirit of Ursus come to defend humanity from horrid drivel." After casting a quick shield spell (Protego!), Shelby/Ursus charged into the green society contingent, sweeping her sword from side to side in great gashing waves that soon turned the green society intert, red, and truthfully, not very sociable. As the last drivel-versed voice was silenced, Shelby/Ursus looked up to find Aggarid gazing back at her with a look of patient amusement.

Agent Cooper had watched all these action with the blubber phone in his hand. Standing before Shelbys house, slowly trembling back and forth and emitting sounds like "Goof!, Uff, Huh?, Goof", he tried to mentally catch up with everything that happened, however getting himself into deeper confusion.

He heard the voices from Hamlet and Thoughtfull who cried continually in desperation out of the blue parallel world: "We will beer you!, we will beer you!, you all will have to pay!". So he started to wave around with his cell phone, trying to initiate a new start of his internal zombie system.
An intuition struck him. In a brainflash Coopers mental eyes imagined himself as someone like Moses throwing a stick to the ground, a stick which turned into snake. A combination of freudian - biblical highschool digestion let him turn the cell phone into a voodookobra in smiting the cell phone to the ground, where it instantly turned into a snake, however with the long eyes of a snail.
"I am ..." the snail could not finish the planed sentence, it wanted to say: 'I am no missionary', but got shut up by a toe of Aggarid who sqeezed her head to something like porridge ("eat this and become a healthy boy, one spoon for daddy, one spoon for mammy,one spoon for zombie, one spoon for dummie").

So now there was one thing for sure, the cell phone snake was out of it. Who would care for this cell phone porridge?

Aggarid, who quite failed to notice the drama of the snake beneath his boots, walked slowly up to Shelby who was quickly ceasing to be Ursus and becoming once again our mild mannered heroine. He lifter her in is huge arms until her face was brought even with his and the woman and the giant kissed for what seemed like a long time. As the camera begins to pan out, we see in the background Cooper and the Shakesbeerians turn and leave the ruined street in their separate directions and Aggarid cradles Shelby in his huge arms and carries her over the threshold of his cottage.

--30--

Yo! Ok, so this is the first part of 'Scare Me'. To be continued maybe in another world ... Leaving us with the practical questions of ... for example the movie rights. Blogcatalog gets some for sure, and Eavesdropwriter too, hm, and all this blood, sweat and tears to think it up.
No, joking. However it wouldn't surprise me to see the above story in one way or the other in two years on Tv or in a movie.

Me gotta split anyway for a couple of hours, I have to wash a car, cause tomorrow it will be snowing, and my wife just told me, that I had received a phone call from a certain Ms. Shelby, that didn't want to tell her why she was calling, but I guess ... maybe ... oh goooood, I hear stamps, like of a giant ... I gotta split.

-----------------

A special thanks to everyone on Blog Catalog who participated in this thread and especially to
wilbau, who contributed fully half of the ending and without whom this story might never have been written.